INDIANAPOLIS — The holiday season is often a time to gather with those we love and care about. But sometimes, people feel compelled to gather with family despite personal differences, such as political or relationship tensions. So how can we keep the peace? 13News talked with author and empathy coach Rob Volpe about making sure disagreements don’t turn into all-out fighting.
“The holidays are this time where people don't always feel like they have a choice whether to come together,” Volpe said. “And I think the conversations I've been having with people, part of it is actually realizing that you do have a choice. So if you feel like this is really a bad spot for you, then don't enter it.”
Volpe said it’s essential to treat each other with respect and listen actively to understand the other person's perspective.
“You want to share your own perspective, but from a personal place, it's not about shouting down and saying, 'Oh, you're stupid' or 'This is wrong,' but really sharing like, 'Hey, this is how I'm feeling. This is how this is affecting me,' and then also recognizing and respecting that it might be personal for the other person as well,” he said. “So we have to treat each other with respect, listen to people and also try to understand what you're looking for out of the conversation.”
Volpe also suggests taking a “curious breath.”
“That's that really big, deep inhale where you feel your lungs expand and they press against your rib cage. And when you do that, it actually helps make some space in your mind, so that you can think about how you want to respond, rather than just giving a knee jerk reaction to something,” he said.
Experts also say it’s important to actually listen to the other person’s thoughts instead of formulating your response as they talk.
“What you want to do is truly hear them, and a good exercise there is to do reflective listening. So if somebody says something to you, repeat it back to them and say, 'I just want to make sure I'm getting this correctly. What I heard you say was,' and you repeat everything that you heard, matching the words and the tone, and then ask them, 'Did I get this correct?' And give them a chance to modify, because then they're hearing back their own words and what they've said, and give them that chance to respond, and then you can respond as well, but it gives you time, as you are having to really listen and reflect back,” Volpe said. “That gives you the chance to think through what you want to actually say in return as well.”
Volpe talks about this further in his book, "Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time," which outlines steps to improve empathy in conversations, including dismantling judgment, asking good questions, actively listening, integrating understanding and using solution imagination.
